Anxiety--The biproduct of life in the 21st century

Does anybody escape anxiety? Personally, I don't think so (I may be overgeneralizing here, y' never know) but if you don't, please let me in on your secret. As I look around at daily life of the average American, it seems that it's no wonder that everybody and their dog nowadays is on some form of brain-altering chemicals. Maybe my schedule is more cram-packed than most, but lately I've become aware of my anxiety level and how it just increases at the drop of a hat and I can't seem to control it. It happens and I don't even realize it until I'm in a really pissy mood and taking it out on those closet to me. The problem for me is that I've had an anxiety dis0rder my whole life and manage it quite well with medication and techniques that I've learned over the years. My panic attacks usually came in the form of rapid heartbeat, crying and pacing, and shaking my hands. I would panic about things that weren't logical--a toilet that was running without stopping, a faucet that was dripping, an air conditioner that wouldn't stop running--all things that I felt I HAD to stop. Sometimes I'd panic over nothing at all. These extreme attacks were usually short lived (except for one instance where it lasted for 48 hours) and I could eventually gain control of myself. Let me just say for the record that medication is a God-send.
Here's the problem I'm facing now, however. My anxieties now are very different. They are about real problems like bills being paid and trivialities that need dealt with. They are about forgetting some radom but important appointment, or a commitment that I've completely forgotten about until the last minute. All things that everyone stresses out over from time to time. My brain, however? It can't seem to let it go. Instead of the flashing lightinging of a panic attack, it's a low simmer that just never lets up. And if I DO stop and relax for five minutes, I'm struck with a horrible voice in my head that says "Hey, Heather, you're not stressing over something right now...I'm sure there's SOMETHING you should be worried about. Get busy stressing." Which then leads me to search frantically in my brain for anything I might be missing, forgetting, etc. It leaves me with two options--keep myself so darn busy that I can't think of anything at all (which usually leads to me forgetting the important things...round and round we go) or just put up with the constant burning anxiety in my gut. And I mean that literally--it churns around in my stomach and I can actually feel it.
So what's the answer? I know for most people, dealing with anxiety is mostly about control, so I'm trying. But when life is so OUT of control, which are the things we hold on to and focus on? What's more important--paying the phone bill or having an in depth conversation with a loved one? I've decided that I have a new motto. "What EVA!" Yep. Next time some stupid cop gives me a ticket for parking in front of my own apartment but it just happens to be street cleaning day and that ticket gets forgotten and now I owe one hundred dollars instead of twenty, I'm gonna say "What EVA!". Because I just can't control everything. And when I'm feeling so depressed because I feel like these things happen to me too much, I'll just remember that these things are silly, small, and not nearly as plentiful as the really beautiful things in life that the Lord is showing me every single day. I've got so much to love about my life and look forward to that, darn it, the anxiety is just going to have to take a leave of absence.

PS--Anyone out there know of a great Dr@id app that organizes your scedule and sends out alerts? That would really help all the little things I'm trying to keep track of! Might as well put the technology to good use.

Fabulous Fall

I really do love the fall. Anticipation of the holidays, very temperate weather--yes, there's lots to love about it. This one so far has been no exception.
A couple of weeks ago, mom and I got to go to the Pennsylvania Rennaisance Fair for their "Scottish Weekend Celebration". Being a McDonald was apparently enough of a reason to attend!

We started out with some funny signs...



We enjoyed some funky treats.....


It was a chocolate covered frozen banana, in case you were wondering. And for the record, it was better than ice cream.

We tried on some hats and masks at the costume store...






We rode wild animals....


And of course, at the end of the day, we attended the joust.



The other noteable event this fall is that I got a new camera! Nothing too fancy, but its an upgrade from the one I've got. I've been snapping photos at random to test it out and here are some of my favorites...

Summer Wrap-up

...Here's hoping it's coming to an end! I can't stand this stinking heat. Remind me of this in February when we're buried under four feet of snow, m'kay?
Anyway, summer has been a great one, and despite my extreme schedule, I manage to find some time for some extreme fun as well.
Went up to the mountains again with the girls for the fourth of july. We spent the day in a lake....

My friend Sara and I spent the hottest evening of the summer (I kid you not--by the time we left around ten it was still ninety-five degrees with about 200% humidity) watching "A Midsummer Night's Eve" at Millersville University. A very fun play, one of my favorites.

Mom and I had tons of fun at a Train/John Mayer concert. John Mayer was a little disappointing, but we loved Train.


So now I'm ready for fall....please?

Fun in Ocean City

Last week was our annual trek to the beach--in a brand new van for Melissa! We got to take Melissa actually down to the water this year thanks to her brand new chair (not going to mention how much it costs) and you can just tell by the look on her face how she felt about it.


The Lord smiled down on us one evening with this absolutely incredible rainbow. Never seen anything like it. And it was a complete one too. Unfortunately, upon further investigation, no pot of gold was found at the ends--I checked both.

I got on the Double Shot--again. Screamed the entire thirty seconds of the ride.


Oh, and I got the top of my ear pierced. Carol wanted to do it, I said "Go ahead", and she said "I'll do it if you do..."
So--

All in all, another amazing trip! Can't wait until next year!

Memorial Day Weekend

Most people spend their Memorial Day weekend with their families, having bbqs. Me? I spend them working. But as you all know, my work has a lot of play involved, so I spend it with my second family.
Me at some random lake. Anyone have a boat?

A few choice shots when we stopped at a hiking trail. The mountains here in PA aren't as tall as the ones I'm used to, but they sure are every bit as beautiful!

In case anyone was wondering where I went......

It's nine o'clock on Sunday evening and I'm sitting at a cafe waiting for my mom to get back home so I can get back in to my apartment around the corner. Let's not talk about why I'm locked out--let's just say "Always think before you hand you set of keys over without a spare in your pocket".
Earlier this evening, I was over at my grandma's house because recently I've gotten the geneology bug--and quite frankly, my grandma is the one to tap when it comes to geneology. She's been trying for years to get me in to it, but ironically, it's taken a tv show to incite my interest. However the interest occurred, this evening I thought I'd take a peek at her treasure trove. It is a wealth of information. The woman is like a private historical society. It turns out I have a great (I'm not sure how many greats) grandfather that was in the cival war who returned home and started a coffin and cabinet making business. He settled in what is now Roaring Spring--and if you go into your local college bookstore, you will find "Roaring Spring" paper, notebooks, etc, made in this very small town still today where my paternal grandfather's family is from. I also found an original document that my great great grandmother wrote to her grandson--my grandfather. It was in very bad grammar at it's one of the sweetest letters I've ever seen. She wrote it to him while he was serving in WWII and it appears that he was a little down in the dumps. What I love most is that it shows her true character and what her family meant to her--bad grammar and all.
Grandma's files are full of these documents and I was only at it for about an hour and a half. I came from these people. It's incredible.
I'd like to share what I've been doing for the past, oh, I don't know--three months? But truly it's been a whirlwind of getting up at six, being at work at seven-thirty, and working until nine fifteen at night. My job is relaxing--I'm able to read books and watch tv a lot, but I feel I'm never home. My poor cat. I'm sure he thinks I've abandoned him. But in retaliation, he's struck up a friendship with my mom, so I guess no harm done?
The only event I can comment on is the fancy shmancy (we're talking very swanky. Downtown, big convention center, get dressed up....) fundraiser banquet that my company had. Carol, Melissa and I went and had a good evening. The best part was the perpetual grin Mel had all night. There was an auction and I bid (and won...unfortunately) a few pieces of art, and there was a promotional video that they debuted there that I was in. They had a few people that worked for UDS in different capacities explain what they do, and then they filmed us doing it. A little awkward to see myself in front of a few hundred people, but oh well. I'll put a link on here for the video when they put it on the company website and everyone can make snarky remarks. Believe me, I've made a few of my own.
So that's what I've been up to. That and watching Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson interviews while my client eats breakfast. What a life, huh?

So much more than Bella......

The other night, I got a movie from Netflix that I picked out because Kristen Stewart is in it and it sounded interesting. So, after having watched it, I thought so much of it that I decided to write a post about it. Now, I'm not saying that Miss Stewart wasn't great in Twilight (because I really do think she was perfect for the part--just my opinion, take it for what it's worth), but it did nothing to display her acting skills. I've since seen other movies she's been in and have literally been blown away by her. She doesn't get recognized for her talent that's being overshadowed by Bella Swan. So I'm going to recommend these movies to everyone out there who cares to listen because, dang, this girl can act.

The movie I saw last night was called "Speak" about a girl who retreats into herself when she is a victim of a traumatic incident. The part that blew me away the most is she was only 13 when she did this very intense subject matter, and she carried the movie all by herself. I would actually really like to read the book as well.


The next movie I was really impressed by was "The Cake Eaters". It's a story of a girl who has Freidreichs Ataxia and wants to be a normal teenager. When I was watching it with Carol, she asked me if the girl in it actually had the disease because her performance was so convincing.


These movies make me anxious to see the next up on Kristen Stewart's list which is "The Runaways" in which she portrays Joan Jett. From what I've read, she and Dakota Fanning are BOTH getting to stretch their acting muscles and I can't wait to see what they do.

Perspective

I've been thinking a lot these past couple of weeks about the way I view things. And considering the way it's been going, I could totally be justified in sinking in to a deep depression (or go with the more self-gratifying option of just feeling really sorry for myself). For instance, who would begrudge me being in a bad mood for feeling stressed out because my money is not only not making ends meet, it's falling significantly short? Would anyone blame me for feeling pressure because mom and I are currently stuffed in to a one-room apartment with WAY too much stuff for even one person, let alone two? When my car starts making a scraping noise because the exhaust pipe is dangling by a plastic thread on to the road, wouldn't that be okay to be mad? (and yes, Heather, you guessed it-the pipe is still not fixed. See above statement about money.) Of course, coming home at ten at night, gratefully falling into bed is nice, but not so much when I realize that I've got to be up at six the next morning to go back to work for yet another 14 hour day. And on top of that, I feel bad that I'm gone so much because my poor cat misses me and can't stop giving me kisses when I get home, to which I usually say "Pippin, your toungue is sandpaper, please stop kissing mommy!"
And I'm sure there's much more in my life that could cause me so much anxiety, stress, depression, frustration, that I could easily and quite justifiably be in a darn bad mood.
Here's the thing, however. I have a great and very supportive family. I have a kitty that wants to kiss me when I come home. I have enough money now that I'm working those 14 hour days. Not to mention that my "work" is mostly having fun and hanging out with friends. Mom and I found a great two-room apartment (with a washer and dryer-hooray!) without snarky landpeople and hopefully we'll be moving in a couple of weeks. I have more than a lot of people around the world (not the least of which is the situation in Haiti, which is why I'm thinking about my perspective in the first place). I have more than enough to be thankful for on this thursday, it just all depends on how you look at it. And so I'm going to go about my thursday, long though it may be, in a good mood.