Thursday, November 11, 2010

Anxiety--The biproduct of life in the 21st century

Does anybody escape anxiety? Personally, I don't think so (I may be overgeneralizing here, y' never know) but if you don't, please let me in on your secret. As I look around at daily life of the average American, it seems that it's no wonder that everybody and their dog nowadays is on some form of brain-altering chemicals. Maybe my schedule is more cram-packed than most, but lately I've become aware of my anxiety level and how it just increases at the drop of a hat and I can't seem to control it. It happens and I don't even realize it until I'm in a really pissy mood and taking it out on those closet to me. The problem for me is that I've had an anxiety dis0rder my whole life and manage it quite well with medication and techniques that I've learned over the years. My panic attacks usually came in the form of rapid heartbeat, crying and pacing, and shaking my hands. I would panic about things that weren't logical--a toilet that was running without stopping, a faucet that was dripping, an air conditioner that wouldn't stop running--all things that I felt I HAD to stop. Sometimes I'd panic over nothing at all. These extreme attacks were usually short lived (except for one instance where it lasted for 48 hours) and I could eventually gain control of myself. Let me just say for the record that medication is a God-send.
Here's the problem I'm facing now, however. My anxieties now are very different. They are about real problems like bills being paid and trivialities that need dealt with. They are about forgetting some radom but important appointment, or a commitment that I've completely forgotten about until the last minute. All things that everyone stresses out over from time to time. My brain, however? It can't seem to let it go. Instead of the flashing lightinging of a panic attack, it's a low simmer that just never lets up. And if I DO stop and relax for five minutes, I'm struck with a horrible voice in my head that says "Hey, Heather, you're not stressing over something right now...I'm sure there's SOMETHING you should be worried about. Get busy stressing." Which then leads me to search frantically in my brain for anything I might be missing, forgetting, etc. It leaves me with two options--keep myself so darn busy that I can't think of anything at all (which usually leads to me forgetting the important things...round and round we go) or just put up with the constant burning anxiety in my gut. And I mean that literally--it churns around in my stomach and I can actually feel it.
So what's the answer? I know for most people, dealing with anxiety is mostly about control, so I'm trying. But when life is so OUT of control, which are the things we hold on to and focus on? What's more important--paying the phone bill or having an in depth conversation with a loved one? I've decided that I have a new motto. "What EVA!" Yep. Next time some stupid cop gives me a ticket for parking in front of my own apartment but it just happens to be street cleaning day and that ticket gets forgotten and now I owe one hundred dollars instead of twenty, I'm gonna say "What EVA!". Because I just can't control everything. And when I'm feeling so depressed because I feel like these things happen to me too much, I'll just remember that these things are silly, small, and not nearly as plentiful as the really beautiful things in life that the Lord is showing me every single day. I've got so much to love about my life and look forward to that, darn it, the anxiety is just going to have to take a leave of absence.

PS--Anyone out there know of a great Dr@id app that organizes your scedule and sends out alerts? That would really help all the little things I'm trying to keep track of! Might as well put the technology to good use.